Self-compassion is a wish or action to diminish your distress and suffering. It is concern for your own misfortunes. Self-compassion means that you acknowledge your suffering, and that you care about it. You also realize that your suffering is not a personal misfortune, it happens to everybody.
A great part of this article is inspired by one of the world’s leading experts in the field of self-compassion, Dr. Neff. Please refer to her website for more information: https://self-compassion.org
The 3 Parts to Self-Compassion1
1. Self-Kindness
Self-kindness means that you treat yourself the same way as you would treat a friend who is suffering. We sometimes consider ourselves as our worst enemy when we have not reached specific goals we wanted to. Would you become your friend’s worst enemy if they didn’t reach their goal, or would you kindly reassure them?
How to practice? Think about one part of yourself that doesn’t make you feel good. Now, sit down, and write yourself a letter from the point of view of a kind friend.
“unconditional loving imaginary friend.”
Dr. Neff
2. Common humanity
Common humanity means that you recognize that no human is perfect, and that we all suffer. Allowing yourself to set aside the ‘why is this happening to me?’ type mindset will allow you to take failures as on opportunity to connect with other people that have lived through the same experience as yourself.
How to practice? Every time you have a difficult thought or emotion, write the ways in which it belongs to a larger human experience. Many humans have lived through the same hardship that you are living through now.
3. Mindfulness
Mindfulness is your ability to be present with what is. Mindfulness in relation to self-compassion would signify that you recognize your suffering, without obsessing over it, but also without ignoring it.
How to practice? Take some time in your day to meditate. It doesn’t have to be long! You can practice on your own, or you can be guided through a meditation. Meditation practice will help in becoming more mindful.
Other Simple Tricks to Practice Self-Compassion2,3
Self-compassion allows you to respond to your suffering in a gentle, supportive, and loving way.
1. Giving yourself permission to treat yourself kindly
Treating yourself kindly is very different from being selfish or engaging in self-pity.
2. Noticing how you speak to yourself
Ask yourself out loud: “would I say this a to close friend?” Probably not. If you can bring kindness to your friends, you can bring it to yourself.
3. Give yourself, or receive physical warmth (hug yourself, hug your cheeks)
As mammals, we are evolutionary programmed to respond to physical warmth and soothing touch. Research shows that when we get, or receive, a hug for 10 seconds or more, we release a hormone called oxytocin. This hormone is also synonymous with the love hormone, which is released when we fall in love, when a mother holds her child for the first time, or when she breastfeeds. It produces a feeling of well-being and allows one to focus on the moment.
Dangers of Being Self-Critical4,5
As humans, we tend to be self-critical. However, being self-critical has negative effects on our well-being; such as, increasing depression, stress, and anxiety.
When we engage in self-criticism, our threat defence system is triggered, and the amygdala is fired up. The amygdala activates our fight or flight circuit (sympathetic nervous system). This circuit is one of the oldest and most quickly activated. The fight or flight circuit was particularly useful for humans historically, and animals to this day, when encountering situations threatening survival. It senses danger, and releases hormones (adrenaline and cortisol) that increase the heart rate, negative facial expressions, stress levels, and much more.
Self-criticism is not a life-threatening situation, however the fight or flight circuit still activates. The reason the fight or flight circuit activates during self-criticism is because our brains understand self-criticism as a danger to our self-concept. You are both the person in danger, and the danger at once. The second arrow metaphor represents this situation well: Life shoots you an arrow, and rather than taking care of your wound, you shoot yourself with another arrow (self-criticism).
Dr. Neff adds to the flight or fight response to self-criticism, the “freeze or submit response.” Self criticism can result in beating our selves up (fight), in running away from the problem (flight), in rumination (freeze), or in acceptance of terrible self-judgement (submit).
The Benefits of Self-Compassion5,6
Thankfully, in addition to our threat defense system, we have another system that is essential to our survival: The attachment-caregiving system. When mammals receive warmth and affection, they feel soothed. Young children often want to stay near their parents for protection, for their survival, and because it feels good! The attachment-caregiving system “turns off” the sympathetic nervous system, and “turns on” the parasympathetic nervous system, which relaxes us.
By adopting a more loving and caring response to our suffering, we activate the mammalian tend and befriend circuits, which have the opposite effects of the fight or flight circuits. Being self-compassionate activates the tend and befriend circuits and has a calming effect, and reduces anxiety and stress, contrarily to the fight or flight circuits.
When activated by self-compassion, the attachment-caregiving system triggers the release of oxytocin. High levels of oxytocin have been associated with feelings of trust, calm, safety, and connectedness.
Negativity Self-Bias3
Talking to ourselves nicely, rather than judgmentally and critically is the premise of self-compassion. It is easy to write but may be hard to put into practice.
Research has shown that we tend to consistently engage in negative self-talk. The human brain has evolved to inherently remember and notice dangerous, and harmful situations. This is the innate negativity bias. In the past, our hardwiring to remember the physical threats allowed us to survive! For example, remembering the dangers of an animal allowed us to not approach it. However, our societies have evolved and we do not need to remember or think about the negative to survive. We can practice re-wiring our brains to focus on positive self-talk, and self-compassion.
But how? Neuroplasticity!
Neuroplasticity7
Our brains are adaptable, like plastic. Every time you practice self-compassion, your brain uses that pathway more, and the old habit weakens. For example, every time you experience failure, rather than engaging in the old habit of being self-critical, you talk to yourself kindly, gently, and with love.
You have the power to rewire your brain. With repeated and directed attention towards the way you think and talk to yourself, self-compassion can become a habit.
