Acknowledgement: The current article aims to debunk how mindfulness may foster (or hinder) sexual well-being, and addresses ways to integrate it to your sexuality. If you want to learn more about mindfulness in general and how to cultivate it, this article1 presents a definition of the concept, and proposes recommendations to integrate it to your life.
Content warning: This article discusses sexuality and traumatic events such as sexual violence. You may choose to postpone reading it at an appropriate time, or simply not reading it.
Potential Benefits of Mindfulness
Within the last 40 years, mindfulness has gained tremendous popularity in the westernized world. Mindfulness-based interventions and practices, along with mindfulness research, continue to gain interest within the scientific community and the greater public2. Such interest has also exponentially grown in the field of sex studies3, because mindfulness appears to improve individuals’ and intimate partners’ sexuality4.
Potential Drawbacks of Mindfulness
Despite mindfulness often being depicted as a panacea to a variety of physical, mental and emotional problems in the media5, it also presents limits and, potentially, adverse effects. For instance, some mindfulness meditators have experienced hallucinations or visions, anxiety, sleep changes, or social impairment following their mindfulness practice6. Such drawbacks or limits of mindfulness may also be transposed into one’s intimate and sexual life. Indeed, cultivating mindfulness for the enhancement of intimacy and sexuality requires commitment and effort. Not sticking with a mindfulness practice may make one feel guilty and self-judgmental, which is counterintuitive since mindfulness promotes acceptance and nonjudgement.
It also appears more beneficial in certain contexts, such as when an intimate partner supports the mindfulness practice. Most and foremost, it is not a cure-all to persistent sexual difficulties, because sexual well-being should be considered a process that sometimes requires a lifelong engagement, rather than an easily attained objective4. Such empirical evidence is not aimed at discouraging folks to practice mindfulness, but rather at being aware of the way in which they should try to integrate it to their life. That is, with critical thinking, commitment to practice, and detachment from expectations and short-term objectives.
The Specificity of Sexual Mindfulness
Mindfulness may notably promote sexual satisfaction, connectedness to intimate partners, and sexual function (desire, arousal, orgasm)3, 4. Mindfulness may have benefits in some people’s sexual life because it fosters awareness and acceptance of thoughts, emotions and physical sensations occurring during sexual activities4, 7. However, being mindful during sex is quite different than being mindful during a mindfulness practice (e.g., meditation, yoga), or in life in general8. Indeed, sex often elicits sensations, emotions and thoughts that can be very intense. Furthermore, mindful partnered sex necessitates connection with oneself and someone else8.
In short, mindfulness during sex may require even greater abilities, such as connection with the body, than mindfulness practices. When such abilities are hindered by adverse life events and conditions, such as interpersonal trauma (e.g., sexual violence, childhood maltreatment) and mental health issues, integrating mindfulness to one’s sex life may trigger distress and prolongate sexual difficulties4, 10. In sum, one should remain careful when trying to cultivate mindfulness, especially within realms that imply great intimacy, intensity and vulnerability.
How to Safely Integrate Mindfulness to your Sex Life
Here are a few tips to help you remain mindful during sexual activities:
1. Cultivate Safety
In order to be mindful during a vulnerable and intense experience such as sex, it is necessary that all partners involved give an informed and enthusiastic consent to the proposed sexual activities. Remaining mindful during a sexual practice should also be done by being aware of what feels safe. Feeling safe during sex might, or might not, have to do with the experience of pleasant or unpleasant sensations. For some, pleasant or unpleasant sensations during sex may trigger emotions or thoughts. As long as one is able to remain in a space where such experience may be observed with full presence, without judgement or distress, mindful sex may still be cultivated.
If a sexual experience becomes overwhelming, it is often better to pause, or even to stop it. Furthermore, not all sexual activities feel safe to the same extent, for everyone, from one moment to another. Mindful sex also involves staying attuned to what feels right and safe in the present moment, and to adapt, postpone or simply refuse sex when it does not.
2. Prepare Yourself and your Environment
Before sex, try to prepare yourself and your environment so that it is favorable to mindful sex: Dim or turn on the lights; choose a room in which you will be able to remain fully present; turn off noisy appliances; take a shower if needed, etc. Before sex, you may take a few deep and calming breaths to regulate your body.
3. Work with your Partner
Being mindful during partnered sexual activities is more beneficial when everyone involved is motivated in engaging in mindful sex. You may choose to check in with your partner during sex, to ask them what feels right, what feels good, and to stay present to both their pleasure, and you own. You may use your senses to anchor yourself in the present moment; such as, looking in each other’s eyes, focusing on the body parts that are touching, etc.
4. Integrate Formal Mindfulness Practices to your Daily Life
Formal mindfulness practices, such as meditation, may eventually help you remain strong and supported (mindful) throughout your life. The more you engage in formal practices, the more you may feel a difference. For most human beings, such formal practices are necessary to cultivate a mindful life, which includes mindful sex11. If intimacy and sex do not feel safe for you, it may be because you encountered traumas that are not yet healed (e.g., sexual assault, childhood abuse and neglect). In the case you encountered trauma that may not be healed, trauma-sensitive mindfulness practices may be more appropriate to slowly explore and learn how to remain present from moment to moment, with an accepting stance. Eventually, with time, patience, effort and compassion, “training this muscle” through formal practices may help you to stay present without being overwhelmed by intense experiences such as sex.
5. Seek Professional Guidance
For some people, mindfulness may be difficult to cultivate by themselves, and that is perfectly normal. If you do not notice any changes in your sex life after trying to experience it mindfully, or if you feel like sex is unsafe and you cut yourself from your experiences (you think about something else, your body feels numb, etc.), the help of a professional may be necessary. You may purposely choose a professional that has an expertise on trauma-sensitive mindfulness and sexuality. They will help you target and work on what makes mindfulness difficult for you. Plus, a therapeutic relationship is a safe space in which you may practice your ability to stay present and vulnerable, which may prove useful in intimate contexts.
Conclusion
In conclusion, mindfulness is one of many empirically documented mechanisms and treatments that may foster sexual well-being. If this article tickled your curiosity, mindfulness may be an avenue to explore within your sex life. On the contrary, if you were not enthused or curious in any way when reading the article, perhaps mindfulness within your sex life is not for you. Mindfulness should not be a last resort simply because you want to improve your sex life. Other means, such as couples therapy or sexuality education may target other difficulties that may be hindering your sexual well-being (e.g., anxiety, depression).
About the Author
Éliane Dussault is a doctoral candidate in Sexology at Université du Québec à Montréal. Besides writing her doctoral thesis on mindfulness, relational and sexual well-being in survivors of childhood interpersonal trauma, she loves teaching and scientific communication. Indeed, research and knowledge transfer (e.g., blog articles, podcasts, content creation on social media) are her ways of having a career that fights towards social justice. You can follow her and her colleagues on social media:
- Facebook: TRACE – Unité de recherche et d’intervention sur le TRAuma et le CouplE
- Instagram: @lab_trace
- Twitter: @lab-trace
References
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2 Khoury, B., Dionne, F., & Grégoire, S. (2019). La pleine conscience incarnée: un concept unificateur entre les traditions orientales et occidentales de la pleine conscience. Annales Médico-psychologiques, revue psychiatrique, 177(7), 633-640. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.amp.2018.04.010
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5 Van Dam, N. T., Van Vugt, M. K., Vago, D. R., Schmalzl, L., Saron, C. D., Olendzki, A., … & Meyer, D. E. (2018). Mind the hype: A critical evaluation and prescriptive agenda for research on mindfulness and meditation. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 13(1), 36-61. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691617709589
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11 University of Minnesota’s Earl E. Bakken Center for Spirituality & Healing [UMNCSH] (2015, December 8th). Mindfulness as a love affair with life: An interview with Jon Kabat-Zinn. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2LebuLJmmA
